Will you help me with my story?? Advice, comments, please??!?

IVE MADE MORE CHANGES! I KNOW ITS LONG BUT PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE READ EVERYTHING!





Ok, so I have this story and the first time I recieved comments saying it was too much like Twilight. Well, after some major self-esteem boost, and WONDERFUl help from a friend, I reconstructed, and I want to know if it's still too much like Twilight. I've got the same idea ((read link)) http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;鈥?/a> but these are my changes:





I'm making it to where the family looks even more normal. There are going to be two seperate households, _____ and ____. Not saying names here. They will have two ';guardians'; and look like normal kids, which will look even more regular as them dating. The story is the parents have been friends for a long time, and their kids just decided to date. But I'm still going to refer to them as one ';clan'; of merpeople. And the two female guardians stories are basically going to be they have been friends since they were children, and the two male guardians are going to be brothers ((but the humans don't know that...because none of them are actually related except for those two males and two other characters)) so it's okay for them to date. But like I said, the humans don't know the two male guardians are brothers, so it seems normal that their kids are dating.





I've decided to change her uncle Ron, to becoming an aunt Rhonda, who is sort of hectic and wild. But really caring and stuff. And Lilly and Kate will be very familiar with Rhonda - they'll have their own rooms, they've stayed there over summers before, it's nothing foreign.





And, The skin of the merpeople will be somewhat disguised. It won't have that blue appearance to the rest of the humans, just Lilly and Kate ((because their meant to be merpeople))





And I've changed Ron's, now Rhonda, and the two male merpeople guardians jobs to marine biologists ((they were originally surgeous)) and they will just go work at an aquarium in a bigger city and occasionally travel on business trips out of state.





The ending -- I've changed it to when my two main characters are in the water, and the Hawaiian comes up and sees them, my main character will quickly sense him and get out. They will never take my main character away, instead they will stay at home, and my main character will get these dreams of the Siren girl ((she is with the merpeople, but she's ';purebread'; Siren)) luring her into the water with her voice. That is how she will reach her death, but she doesn't die!! The end is secret! :]








So, is still too much like Twilight??





OH!





and is it a big deal that she moves there, and that the merpeople already live there?? I mean does that aspect trigger your mind to Twilight?? All I'm saying, is that I don't see why it's a big deal that she moves there, and she meets them at school. Is that something i should change??





Will you help please?? Is it still too much like Twilight??Will you help me with my story?? Advice, comments, please??!?
I think its very good, something I would like to read. Who cares if is like Twilight, it's your writing, and besides to me I don't think it sounds like Twilight.





So far every vampire book I have read, vampires have always had to live like that, like normal humans, so dont worry about it and continue to write, it seems very good.Will you help me with my story?? Advice, comments, please??!?
But you're writing for yourself, are you not?


Why does it matter if it seems like Twilight?
Things that automatically remind me of twilight in order of discovery:


-the term ';clan';. i honestly don't think that a group of merpeople would be called a clan.


-the aunt being ';hectic'; and ';wild'; is just like Bella's mother


-having the one sister (lily, right?) live alone with a single guardian is also a lot like twilight, as well as her age (17) and the fact that she's stayed with her aunt before, just not for that long (i presume)


-you are making lily and kate too marysue-ish. Its kinda lame (in lack of a better word) for them to be the only ones who notice that these people are different. other people won't be able to relate.


-the Hawaiian's are too much like the vultori


-the whole merperson blood thing turning humans to merpeople doesn't really fit it. it seems like you set it up that way simply so that the other people can become merpeople and live happily ever after. merpeople seem like a society that ages and grows and reproduces, not like some permanent unaging species you have to make.


-they shouldn't crave human flesh...first off, human skin isn't that salty, and that is wayyy to twilght-y. its like the whole other-people-want-to-kill-you but i-don't-because-l-love-you complex. way to cliche.


-the diamond hard skin thing, is a something that is unique to the twilight vampires...it doesn't make sense for their skin to be so hard if their natural habitat is in the water.


-the blood thing doesn't make sense...if their blood was just water and salt, wouldn't they crave each other's blood?


-are sirens different from merpeople? you said that there's a pure-blood siren, does that mean that she was never human? doesn't that make the whole spread-by-blood thing moot?


-there are six siblings (like twilight minus edward)


-the way they meet in class


-how they were there first and she moved there





okay, YIKES! sorry for dissecting your story line, but i knew, as i would also, that you would want my honest opinion and criticism. I would LOVE to help you develop your story in an un-cliche way in a much gentler way. I'm taking college level english (even though i'm only in highschool) and can help with grammer and other issues with a heartfelt promise not to take any of your ideas or story (something i worry about constantly as an author). Well, if you want to contact me, my email is geckogirljo7@aim.com and i promise to get back to you! goodluck!
This sounds quite intresting very thoughtout and planned good job