Does my story suck? Its only the first chapter?

It is only the first chapter but tell me what you think








Falling in Love SUCKS; Vampire Romance Story








*____________________________________*





Chapter One





“Sky get ready for school. You are going to J.M. High today, and I can’t stand for you to be late. That will ruin my reputation as being a responsible mother... Now move it, move it, move it, move it.” That is my typical mother always in a rush because she wasn’t a responsible mother.





In fact one time I was in kindergarten like everyone else, and she was supposed to pick me up from school, but instead she made me wait and wait, and eventually the school people told me to wait outside, and they left for home. How horrible is that?





Well anyway I am 17 ½ now, and can take care of my self. So I really don’t need her help. I am actually saving up enough money for me to get my own house, and then I am going to college. Ha that was all a lie. I am not going to college, and I doubt that they are going to let some one with colorful hair work any where.





“God damn Sky get your *** ready for school. What have you been doing for the last twenty minutes? Explaining yourself to some random people, or writing a story on quizilla?”





“Damn what is your problem it hasn’t been twenty minutes. Leave me frick alone for a minute.”





“Don’t talk like that young lady. Watch your mouth, and what you say.”





“O mom like you watch what comes out of your mouth, and did your mommy tell you not to swear?”





“My mom taught me not to swear.”





“Well obviously because my perfect little mommy never says any curse words.”


“That is it you are going to live with your father. I can’t take this anymore. You are always being mean to me, and always abusing me verbally. Just please get your stuff for school, and go to your fathers, and all of your stuff will be there, and one more thing I need the house key back.”





Wow my mom was serious I didn’t know how serious she was until now, and I don’t remember ever always being mean to her. That is true, and I am not going to believe it.





“Mom no, Imp sorry I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I...I… I just got really frustrated. Please don’t make me live with my f-f-father. I can’t stand him. You know why we moved from him. Please.”





“No I-I-I just cant. I can’t take it anymore that was the last of it. I don’t believe, and won’t believe that is why we moved. I remember we moved because he was cheating on me.”


She said in a sob.





“Yeah he was cheating on, but whatever I don’t have to explain myself I was there and you weren’t.”





I left the house crying my eyes out. I didn’t want to live with my father he did some many horrible things to me, and I can’t take it. I won’t.





Ill ask Summer, and Gin if I can room with that. I got out my cell phone and I dialed her number. 216-123-1234





Ring, Ring, Ring





“Hello?”


“Hey Summer?”


“Yeah.”


“Can I stay with you and Gin for a while?”


“Sorry Hun, but that can’t happen.”





I just close my phone shut that isn’t what I wanted to hear. This is not fair.





*20 Minutes later*





I made it J.M High just in time and only because I was running like some one was out to attack me.





Ring Ring





Damn I am good I thought as I sat down, and her first period’s bell.


“Today class we are going to talk about…-“


The P.A. interrupted him, and it said “Can I please have Sky Lynn Chiley come to the office please.” And you heard the static as it went off.





I grabbed my bag, and went to the office. Since usually when I am sent to the offices I am sent home or have to wait there for the rest of the day.





“Hi Sky! My name is Ms. Lee, and I am here to ask you some questions. Is that ok with you?”





“Yeah,” I said as innocently as I could





“You know that eye exam you took last year?” – I nodded my head—“Well it wasn’t an eye exam it was actually a test where we test to see if you can see stuff from other people, and we call it the S.I.O.M test. Standing for Seeing into Others Mind’s test, you remember there being 10 slide right,” –I nodded again—,” we after the first ten they were blanks, and I want you to come to Sacramento, California to “study” you some more.”





“You mean like test me like a lab rat?”





“Well when you put it like that you make it sound like a bad thing and it really isn’t.”





“NO! I can’t. I-I-I have stuff to do here.”





“Well I am like you, and I know about what your father did…” I cut her off in mid sentence.





“Stop, don’t accuse my father of doing things.”





“Don’t try to protect him Sky. We can help you with that, and other things. Please, plus we will give you $10,000, and a scholarship to where ever you want.”





“$10,000? All for me or for the others to split. If there is any other?”





“See you are using your abilities, and there is one other, and his name is Kyle. And the money is all for you, and he gets $10,000 as well. Miss. Chiley please consider it.”





“I g-g-guess, but what time does the flight, or when do I have to go?”





“Well we went toDoes my story suck? Its only the first chapter?
it needs alot of work to be honest why would someone get a random exam to see into minds? You need to build up to the events betterDoes my story suck? Its only the first chapter?
It's great! Definitely put this on Quizilla. I'm really excited for the next chapter! :)
it needs some work, coming from a professional standpoint, it sucks.
Sorry hun that story needs a lot of work already.
It seems like a good book, aside from the swearing. ;)
yes, yes ut does
its great! i think you should post more of it!!! its well...PERFECT
Saw the words ';Vampire Romance Story'; and didn't even bother reading it. Why is everything always about Vampires and romance these days Pfft!!
OK, i am not a expert on stories or anything, but i will try to help you make it a bit better.


The first thing i noticed as you went off track about 1 minute after beginning the story. You are first talking about what you are doing, but not really giving much detail about it, and then you swiftly talk about something completely different, (I know you are trying to make a point, your mother ain't responsible) but i think you did that a little to early on.





The second thing is the conversation between Sky and her mother. It's not really interesting. I can hear it myself, and it sounds like a bratty child ( whether she is supposed to be or not?) having a real boring conversation with her even brattier mother. Now i understand you need to have a conversation with someone to let the reader know more about the characters, but maybe it could be about something more interesting than what she is doing instead of getting ready. I like the conversation after that little part, though.








I think you could make the conversation Between Gin a little more detailed too, like say something before asking if she could stay. I do like the fact you say '; It is not what i wanted to hear';








I like every thing after that though. Be sure to delete the Question when you have picked the best answer... That story is good enough for someone else to nick the idea's .





Good day.
“Sky get ready for school. You are going to J.M. High today, and I can’t stand for you to be late...'' Well, that sentence put me off - in a bad way. Has your mother ever said to you like that? ''Hey, you're going to *insert school name* today! I am annoyed at you.''





Your second paragraph is a very long run-on sentence.





''Well anyway I am 17 ½ now, and can take care of my self...'' Why 17 ½? I just don't understand why. You write 17 and a half, or seventeen and a half. Or just 17. It's *myself*.








“God damn Sky! Get your *** ready for school. What have you been doing for the last twenty minutes? Explaining yourself to some random people, or writing a story on quizilla?”





That line made no sense to me. Make her mother have her own voice, instead of talking about what Sky does and how she is. Writing a story on Quizilla? Please.








“Well obviously because my perfect little mommy never says any curse words.”





“That is it you are going to live with your father. I can’t take this anymore. You are always being mean to me, and always abusing me verbally. Just please get your stuff for school, and go to your fathers, and all of your stuff will be there, and one more thing I need the house key back.”





That needs to be worked on. A lot. I mean, A LOT. And how many fathers does Sky have, actually? o.O But the way the mother is talking is annoying and unrealistic.





HAHAHA, ...''I dialed her number. 216-123-1234





Ring, Ring, Ring'' Ha. That was funny. In a bad way.





''And you heard the static as it went off.'' You? o.O Why not ''I''?





Don't write ''Ring Ring'' again. Seriously.





''I didn’t want to live with my father he did some many horrible things to me, and I can’t take it. I won’t.'' And then the “Stop, don’t accuse my father of doing things.” It's confusing.





Stop with the ''I-I-I, g-g-guess, f-f-father.''





Anyway, the story needs to be worked on a lot. She wakes up in the morning, fights with her mom then cries with her, then at school, gets called to speak with a strange woman, gets told she has some special powers, and then agrees when she hears the money.





O.o. Keep writing.
to be honest, when I read Vampire Romance Story, I was just about to exit out.. to many people are writing these stories, but on the other hand it was actually really good (:





wheres the rest tho? :'( I want to read it, it needs a lot of work though. More detail.. the events are kinda random, but its goodd. KEEP WORKING!
That was honestly terrible. Your grammar is a mess, you don't explain anything, and your conversations are completely unrealistic. I'm sorry, but it really is bad.
It's awful, just plain awful and here is why:





1: I am guessing you are quite young as your writing skills seem quite childish and badly developed. The story was written terribly making it hard to finish reading and unable to catch the readers eye.





2: The characters were so badly developed. I feel no sympathy or connection to the main character apart from the urge to punch her for being such an annoying person.





3. You don't want a story to move to slow but that was too fast everything moved so quickly it was hard to understand what was happening, this also made the story unbelievable.





4. The dislike of living with the father, the first-person storyline and the vampire love story connects this to twilight making it unoriginal and boring in fact your story also connects with twilight in the fact that twilight was also badly written.





I'm sorry but this was just awful but hopefully with practise your skills will develop. Good luck :)
Well, honestly, it is a pretty cliché story. EVERYONE and their second cousin are doing a vampire romance right now. I probably wouldn't read it.





-NOTE: I am NOT trying to be offensive at all, but that is just my opinion. I am sorry if I offended you with my review of this chapter of your book, just a little constructive criticism.