What do you think about this? I wrote it myself, keep in mind im only 13 but anyways judge me on what i deserv?

what do you think?

He claimed it was only a month, a month he would be gone. I wasn’t sure how I would deal with it, a month. In our little apartment a month was a long, and hard time. Every month the bills had to be payed, or the car had to be checked or the air conditioning and water wouldn’t work. On a daily bases I had to wake up early to feed my child. Matt claimed he was going to be gone for a month. He didn’t understand that he was everything to me.

“Why do you have to leave me? You should stay. For the sake of me, and our baby” I said. “ You know that this is a job thing and I will only be gone for a month” he replied.

I went to sleep in complete silence, wrapped in his arms. He kissed my Cheek and reassured me that it was only a month he was to be gone once more.

Beep Beep Beep Beep. The little alarm went off. Slowly I was unraveled from the warmth of Matt’s arm in to the cold bareness of the blankets and air surrounding me. Slowly I could hear Matt making his way out of bed. As he turned the alarm off, I turned my body around and opened my eyes a bit so I could see him. His bags were already packed and he was ready to go. Again, like the night before, he kissed me- but this time on the mouth. This would be the last kiss for a month. Before he left, Matt made his way into little Zoey’s room and pat her on the back. Because the walls of our little apartment were thin, I recall hearing Matt tell little Zoey she was his baby and forever would be important.

The door opened. He was gone. The door shut. Around 7:30 I woke up and fed little Zoey. Her eyes gradually opened, she had rings around her eyes and she looked very tiered. “My poor baby” I said to Zoey. Sadly, there was no reply.

I had stuff to do for the day and being a teenage Mom didn’t help any. Luckily, one of my friends, Lilah, was open for babysitting. She promised a couple of days ago she would babysitt considering I had taken over her shift at the shop her family owned when she was in time of need.

The car pulled in and a bright shiny smiled face appeared at my door. “Hey, girly” said Lilah. “Thank you so much” I replied as I walked out the door dragging nothing but a heavy load of stress and a purse full of junk and money that doesn’t necessarily belong to me.

I stood outside in the fresh air for a moment and took in the breeze. I then sat down and dialed some numbers into my phone. A couple of minutes later, I had a car waiting to drive me around town. “ So, where do you want to go first?” I heard a voice from the car say as I climed and wriggled myself in. Tawnie was my best friend. She was always there for me. She had always known what was to be done and when.. My Mom used to say we were practically both her daughters, until she moved in. When Tawnie moved in with me, she was considered my sister. Today Tawnie and I were hanging out till late.

“So, I can tell something is on your mind”, the words just slipped out of her mouth like a slinky. I could tell by her expression she wished she didn’t say that. Suddenly without a thought my face became red as an apple and tears scrolled down my eyes as fast as a person skimmed through a boring paper looking for answers. “Tawnie, I know you need a place to stay, again. If you need, you can stay with me. I really need a friend. This morning Matt left for a job assignment. I cant believe it, but Tawnie, please help! My baby is a mess, my relationship is a mess, my house is a mess, my life Is also a mess.”

Tawnie kept driving without saying a word. She turned and swereved towards the parking lot, where she exited the car and started walking. I knew she wasn’t ignoring me. She had always had a habit of thinking so deeply that she wouldn’t talk, and other times she would talk to the point that you’d think she had a racing mind faster than the fastest sports car in the world.

The words came out. They lifted and dazzeled my heart. My mind was smiling. “Okay, heres the deal. I will move in, just stop crying.”

Both Tawnie and I walked into the baby store hoping that nothing would cost to much. “Why are you two here at a baby store?” asked a woman who looked me straight in the eye. “Because I have a child” I responded, deeply offended. I walked out of the store with nothing, except the same hand of the same friend I walked in with. Tawnie drove me back to the apartment where I could then allow Lilah to leave. As I walked into the house, a sudden urgency ran over me. As soon as Lilah closed the door behind her and Tawnie returned home to bring over what little she had, I took little Zoey and wrapped her tight and warmly into a blanket. I carefully maneuvered myself into the dirty bath tub fully dressed with a sleeping little Zoey. A part of me missed Matt so much that I wanted to recognize what part of my little Zoey was his DNA but the other part thought I was completely ridiculous.

Instead of a knock, Tawnie just pranced throught the front door and started searching frantically for mWhat do you think about this? I wrote it myself, keep in mind im only 13 but anyways judge me on what i deserv?
Thats excellent! Nice work:)What do you think about this? I wrote it myself, keep in mind im only 13 but anyways judge me on what i deserv?
I looooooove it! :D it is really great, and since your my age...i love it even more :D
This is really good!!!! Keep on writing!!!!!! [%26lt;3]
You need to work harder at developing the plot at about the middle part. It seemed a bit draggey there. I love your diction though, and is the bit at the end of the second paragraph meant as foreshadowing? It sure was, whether it was meant to or not. I thought the mood was somewhat inconsistent though, but I think if you go through and look at your diction %26amp; tone you'll see right away how to fix the mood issue. I loved the setting :)



And yes, I did get the obvious allegory the story sets up ;)