I have a narcissistic mother-in-law and my partner is her helpless victim. How do I defend MY boundaries?

When I met my partner two years ago she told me up front that her mother is part of her package...no matter what. Since I had never met anyone as self-absorbed, manipulative, and abusive as her mother, I did not recognize that comment as the red flag it was. Eventually, she told me some stories about her mother, but they were so outrageous and unbelievable that I felt she was exaggerating. But then, I met her. She is NOTHING like ANY mother I have EVER known...And she has created a dynamic with her daughter that allows her to use and abuse her daughter at will, while managing to convince my partner that it is her duty to tend to her mother and that she should be ashamed at what a poor job she does of it.

I tried to mind my own business about it until the effects of her demands and mean, hurtful comments began to affect the relationship that was growing with my partner. One saturday, I walked in to find my girlfriend sobbing in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Her mother had called to tell her that...since her rent was due, she had no food or cigarettes, and since her daughter had obviously abandoned her, she was just going to kill herself...and she wanted my g/f to know that her mother would be dead by Sunday.

She then turned off her phone. next, my girlfriend said that she HAD to go to check on her (three hour drive) because if she didn't and she actually did kill herself, she'd never forgive herself. So we loaded up some groceries, a carton of cigarettes, and headed to town. When we arrived, she would not look at us, did not even get up, and never said a word to us while we put her groceries away. We laid $400 on her coffee table, and left. She NEVER said thank you and never apologized.

The next time it happened, I called her phone and left a message telling her that her childish behavior was affecting my g/f so negatively that it is now affecting me. I said that her game might work on her daughter, but flat will not play. I told her that from now on if she had a need, we expected her to call us BEFORE its so critical that we have to drop what we are doing, and that she needed to state her need in a respectful and responsible way. I said that I had no problem helping her as long as she was respectful and not so destructive.

Some time passed and she was invited to come visit for the weekend. She never acknowledged the message to me but did tell my girlfriend that she was insulted and she felt she was attacked and deserved an apology. When she arrived here (for the first time ever) she totally ignored me for the first hour. Later I walked into the kitchen to find them discussing the conflict between she and I and I was blown away when my girlfriend said, 'i think this is all my fault because I may have made things sound a lot worse than they were when I was telling her (me) about it.

It gets much more involved including her quitting her job, losing her apartment, and moving in with us for eight months (leaving only after a series of blow ups that resulted in me finally saying,';Pack your stuff and GET OUT...';

I sent my partner a link about NPD and after reading it she was SO happy that she could finally validate for herself that SHE is not the problem. I think that having a name for it was such a relief that she was ok with it now that she had a name for it. But, I wasn't. I felt that she should stand up to her mother and make her mother respect--if not her boundaries--then at least MINE! She tried. She got a book about NPD and skimmed it. She did some journaling and cut back on the phone calls.

But--I feel like this woman has a lot of work to do and ammends to make before I am going to be willing to have anything to do with her. Of course, I am a heartless monster for evicting her and she will not speak to or look at me. I have said that she is not welcome in this house until she sits down and talks to me and takes some responsibility for the damage she did while she was here.

A month ago, she calls and says she has lung cancer and is really scared.

My partner jumps in her car and is gone for two days. When she comes back, she tells me that her mother is HER business. She told me at the beginning that they are a package deal and I am asking her to choose and warned me that no one will ever come between her and her mother and I need to accept that. She also said that addressing the NPD was all MY idea and she felt bullied into standing up to her mother.

I asked her to gather her things and move out as soon as possible. A week later she came over (with her mother) wanting to borrow $300 for her deposit. I said, ';Why are you asking me? I'm your #2. Did #1 turn you down?'; She stormed out.

I found out a couple days ago that they are both living in the apartment and her mother STILL doesn't have a job.

I know I can't solve their problems and I recognize that my desire to is a symptom of my own disease. But...man...she was SO CLOSE to standing up for herself...she was on the verge of clI have a narcissistic mother-in-law and my partner is her helpless victim. How do I defend MY boundaries?
Where's the rest of it!? I'm intrigued...



I don't know what to say really, when I first saw the heading ';narcissistic mother-in-law'; I rolled my eyes and thought, here we go... Haha.



But you're right, your MIL has issues!



I don't know too much about NPD but from what you've said, she sounds like an over-protective, over bearing, manipulative, controlling, attention seeking, clingy mother. She needs some medical help, especially if she's faking illnesses and threatening suicide, that's just too much.



Your GF is her mothers puppet, she's just encouraging her mums behavior by jumping at her every whim. Maybe your GF doesn't know how to be independent of her mum? maybe they both rely on each other, even though it's unhealthy for the pair of them.



Why does the MIL act like this with her daughter?



Does the MIL have any other children?



Does she have a man/woman in her life?



The MIL could be lonely, maybe if she had someone or something in her life to occupy her time with, she wouldn't be so damn needy.



I don't envy the position you're in. Like she said, her mum comes with the package. Can you live the rest of your life playing second fiddle to this woman? I know I couldn't...



All the best :)



EDIT - Haha, Oops and to answer your question...



I think you've made your boundaries pretty clear with the MIL - you just need to stick with them, and secondly you need to make these boundaries clear to your partner, explain that you love her (yadda, yadda) but these are the boundaries that YOU have with her mother.



And if she doesn't like it, well...