Does this story suck? my friend wrote it and i hate it?

“…Why mom? Why do we have to move?” I asked because I was happy living my life in Hollywood, California as a model. I wasn’t very popular, but my agent said, “I was on my way.” I didn’t believe him until one day someone came up to me and said, “Hey you’re that girl that was on that one magazine.” Not my exact envision of how the first person would notice me.



“Just get your god damn stuff ready and get your butt in the car.” Wow!! I have never heard her swear this much since before I went to modeling.



“Fine. Fine I will be right down there.” I already had all of my stuff ready, but my mom didn’t know that. So I took my time coming down the steps, and out of the door. Mother wasn’t too happy about that. Once I was inside of the car she said.



“I you act like this when we movie into our new home ill kick your butt out of the house so fast you wont know what happen to you.” I was actually frightened of my mom, which is very rare since she is known for her kindness.



--

We are on the plane, and I am very sleepy. I’m falling asleep, and what I dreamed about isn’t going to hit me until it happens. ::. It’s so sunny here. I thought to myself. I turned my head and saw the man standing next to me, and he was frightingly handsome. I couldn’t help myself from looking at him, and his dark brown hair, and green eyes. He was tall very, very tall. He said, “hi im Giovanni, what’s yours?” “Le Ann.” “Le Ann, Le Ann get the ([beep] she didn’t hear it) up, and get out of the plane we are here.”



We were here, and it was beautiful. We were now in New Mexico. It looks very familiarly. I wonder why. (She doesn’t know it is from here dreams. ^)



“Le Ann you are going to be going to school here, and we are going to live here for about 5 years,” my dad said. Wait where did dad come from? And it was just like my mom was reading my mind and she said that he was already here and that she didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want me to ask him why he was here, and I already knew. His other kids from his previous marriage.



He always moved where they moved, and to me my mom didn’t seem to mind. They all loved her as much as they loved my dad. Their mom died, and that is why we always moved.



I know that it doesn’t make sense, but if you were in his situation you would understand.



Our stuff was already at the house because my dad took it with him the other day. We have been sleeping on the floor for the past couple of days, and I am excited that our stuff is here because I am excited to go to sleep in my own bed.



My mom says she doesn’t know who I got loving sleeping from, because it wasn’t her or my dad. I think that im like and old person because I like to sleep.



I go to take a warm shower, and it was warm. Should take a cold one I thought as I was getting inside the shower.



I think to myself what a wonderful world. Just kidding I was thinking how the next 5 years would go, and all I could think about is nothing.



I thought I would be happy, and that I could make new friends, and maybe find a boyfriend. Maybe I could even stay here, and finish my senior year here, and then get a job, and find a house, and get married…



“Ann GET OUT OF THE SHOWER.” Shouted someone, I couldn’t quite figure out whose voice it was since I was technically in a daydream and then ripped out by a voice.



So I did as the voice told, and it ended up being my mom. It didn’t sound like her though. I went into my room, and saw some one on my bed, and my first thought it was my dad, but when I got closer I saw that it wasn’t.



Who is this person? I thought and when I was about to call to my mother the person…





P.S. I think i got all of the cursing out if not sorry. My friend is a big potty mouthDoes this story suck? my friend wrote it and i hate it?
If this is your friend's writing, is (s)he allowing you to post it on the internet for all to see, copy, and/or criticize?



Just wondering



Add:

I'm agreeing with Ash.

I feel this question is very wrong at the moment.

You have no right to post this if it isn't your work.Does this story suck? my friend wrote it and i hate it?
I think it's quite badly written. Sorry. :(
You know that really does suck, and very badly written. So yes, It SUCKS!!!
if this is your friends story then you really don't have any right to post it on the internet. your basically stealing their work, and allowing everyone on the internet an opportunity to steal it as well.
It is completely filled with errors. The swearing isn't the problem. Your friend changes tenses, she has many grammatical errors, and it's far too jumpy. Nothing is explained very well. Also, don't insert author's notes in the middle of the story.

The tone of the story is very rushed, and it seems as though your friend doesn't know what she's doing at all, and that she's very young.
WTF that sucked.

i got through half of it but

I had to stop.





My mom says she doesn’t know who I got loving sleeping from, because it wasn’t her or my dad. I think that im like and old person because I like to sleep.



I think to myself what a wonderful world. Just kidding I was thinking how the next 5 years would go, and all I could think about is nothing

WTF??



Bad grammar, ridiculous ideas, weird end i can see from the ';your answer'; box,

doesn't flow, confusing to read



this writing needs work....
weell everything wasnt explained but i guess it could be good with more work :) x
The story was alright but a little stupid and corny! Yet it was very confusing to me.
it's very badly written. it kind of varies between past and present tense and the punctuation isn't put in the right places.

its also a very hard story to follow and it got really confusing when she girl was on a plane and a complete randomer introduced himself.

i also didn't understand the bit about her dad being there. that made absolutly zero sense, and the very last bit was plain odd.



You might have noticed i'm in a very critical mood today :L
You/your friend need to describe more and fix the mistakes.



'to take a warm shower, and it was warm'



WTF?? Yeah...A warm shower is usually warm...



And when the heck did they get off the plane and into the house?? it just kinda skipped.



I would try to make it a little more intresting.





GL
Why are you posting your friends work online to criticize, it's kind of mean specially if she finds out, reads the comments and then finds out that her writing needs to be worked on.

Also how did you get her writing and copy it, or is it your own but you just don't want people to know?
Yeah, it's not very good. I don't know if you typed it out yourself, but if you copied and pasted, then she cannot write. She doesn't know much about grammar or how to tell a story, she doesn't have much of an ear for dialogue and it isn't very imaginative or intelligent - a story about a model in California, who doesn't know that the first time she is noticed on the street is bound to be as ';that girl who was on that magazine';, and is so stupid she doesn't realize when her plane has landed? I don't know if your friend has ever been on a plane, but I have, and you NOTICE landing and taking off. They are the times you are most likely to puke. The scenes are also hurried and there is little time and care spent getting to know the characters.



Every published author has written plenty of rubbish when they were starting out. Good writing takes a lot of practise. Your friend may have potential, though I can't see much - but I'm not an expert.



Being her friend, it might be best to pretend you like the story more than you do, and give maybe a little constructive criticism. (Nicer than what I said about the story). No need to ';be cruel to be kind'; as I doubt she's seriously considering being a writer when she's older - from what she's written, she seems more interested in being a model than anything intellectual. (Not that all models are stupid - some are quite smart. But you don't need to be to wear clothes). This story is probably more of a fantasy of hers. Fantasies, as long as they aren't taken too seriously, are harmless and fun. Maybe you could suggest that you both write stories and compare them - anything silly, imaginative, funny, whatever.